I was walking home one day in a huge city park. It reminded me of Golden Gate in San Francisco on account of the huge trees and multitudes of interesting looking people crowding the paved walkways. I noticed this beautiful young girl riding a vintage bike with a white banana seat. She had stripey leg warmers, blonde hair flying behind her in the wind from under her helmet and was happily enjoying the day. It felt like fall. I was fascinated by her in a predatory sort of way and kept my eye on her for a while. I noticed some other young guy with a similar fixation tracking her movements out of the corner of my eye. I immediately felt a competitive surge to be the first one to approach her. Suddenly she took a spill on a dirt track next to the paved road. I rushed over to aid her, as did the other guy to my dismay.

As soon as I got near her I extended my hand to help her up. She smiled up at me and got to her feet, as soon as we made eye contact I noticed a huge army helicopter flying off in the distance. It was one of those cargo choppers with twin blades at either side. She noticed my glance over her shoulder and turned to look as well. Moments later the chopper plummeted behind a row of pine trees and a massive explosion ensued. The sky lit up with an enormous nuclear-style explosion and instantly the entire landscape (including all the pedestrians and my pesky competitor) was consumed in white heat and rendered into ashes. We were left standing in this grey landscape, suddenly alone and unscathed. I felt totally safe and she seemed reassured that we were both still standing. Enormous words began moving across the sky like an LED display, from right to left. It was then that I realized the entire event was a staged promotional effort for an action movie. I had this faint impression that Ben Affleck was the star and instantly became sociopathically irritated at the entire celebrity advertising phenomenon. We agreed to head back to her place to get situated.

She had a nice little apartment with a kitchen adjoining her bedroom. It was almost open plan with the bedroom off to the right of the backdoor entrance. As soon as we got home we began getting it on. I began kissing her eagerly and as I was runing my hand across her skin I noticed it had an intensely textured and three-dimensional quality. I pulled my head back and realized her entire body was scarred and tattooed in an indescribable pattern. Her flesh was all white, and had diagonal criss-crossing grooves in it like a quilt. In addition she had several, swirling, milky-way tattoos that worked in concert with her flesh texture. It was as if several galaxies were being depicted simultaneously across her body. She smiled at me and I also realized she was blinking horizontally with a secondary set of eyelids, lizard-style. She stuck her tongue out and had four tongue-tips that were happily articulating around each other simultaneously. Even at this point I wasn’t in the least bit turned-off and in fact considered quite auspicious that she was so intensely decorated. I realized I had an opportunity to mate with a non-terrestrial race of lizard people and thought the experience could be useful.

Somehow, an ex-girlfriend of mine mysteriously made an entrance and decided to get in on the action. It became a messy sort of threesome and I ended up totally distracted with my ex-girlfriend. The sex became very ferocious and angry until I orgasmed at which point my ex decided to tell me that her most recent boyfriend was much better in bed than me and substantially better endowed. I became enraged and was determined to find him and have my revenge. She mentioned that I could identify him by the white pentagram he had tattooed under his chest hair and that he was a jewish kid with really curly black hair.

I stepped naked out of the bedroom into the kitchen and was suddenly aware that my hostess’ children, 12 of them actually, were assembled around the dining room table staring malevolently at me. They were dressed in white, naugahyde one-piece hoodies like a baby might wear. They resembled cranky teletubbies in alternating sizes. I sat down at the table with them and I could feel their disapproval of my behavior radiating aggressively at me. As soon as I realized their bitterness wasn’t going anywhere I got up to leave.

Somehow, I ended up instantly at RISD, prowling the halls looking for my ex-girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend. The building I was in didn’t resemble RISD at all and in fact felt like a random public school, linoleum floors, cream-colored cinder block wall, lockers, etc. As soon as I found him (with his new girlfriend in tow) I poked around under his shirt to find the white pentagram. When I was sure it was him I prodded him in the back with a shotgun and forced him into the basement. We ended up in a massive boiler room. There, in the basement was the quintessential crawling pipes, valves, glass dials and steam clouds. As soon as we got somewhere private I proceeded to decapitate the both of them with shotgun blasts. I felt absolutely no remorse and made my way back to the upper floors.

As soon as I passed through an emergency exit back to the main floor (I think I was in front of an equipment room) I felt a hand grab my shoulder. It was the boy and his girlfriend, totally unscathed picking shotgun pellets out of their faces like they were peppercorns or something. Evidently my shotgun was faulty. They had brought an RA with them and out of vengeance had decided to write me up. I sat there obediently and accepted my punishment.